Carved from mahogany in 1902, the original incarnation of Richard Dunn was an inanimate replica of a Crimean War general displayed in the foyer of the now defunct National Failures Museum in Bexhill-On-Sea. Since his makeover and magical animation by the Italian sculptor Gepetto in 1971 he has fulfilled the duties normally ascribed to a bus conductor on the North circular. In 2016 due to an administrative error he was granted both an OBE and a part time job writing music reviews. Keen to maintain the false visage of acceptability he has since chosen a trophy wife, daughter and iguana and taken residence in a terraced house in Chigwell. He may or may not also be a trainee teacher but seriously, would you entrust your children to this 'man'?